Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Maher Sums it Up

Here's Bill Maher's flawless summation of the recent election, and what Democrats have to do to be more successful next time. This is a transcript from his show. I've highlighted my particular favorites in bold:


And finally, New Rule: Stop saying that blue state people are out of touch with the values and morals of the red states. [applause] I’m not out of touch with them. I just don’t share them. In fact, and I know this is about 140 years late, but to the Southern States, I would say, “Upon further consideration, you CAN go.” [laughter] [applause] [cheers] “I know that’s what you’ve always wanted, and we’ve reconsidered. So go ahead.” [laughter] “And take Texas with you.” [applause] [cheers]

You know what they say. If at first you don’t secede, try, try again. [laughter] And give my regards to President Charlie Daniels. [laughter]

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I almost forgot, this is the time of healing. [laughter] The time when blue states and red states come together because we have so much to offer each other. “Spice Rack” meet “Gun Rack.” [laughter] “Picky about bottled water,” say hello to “Drinks from a garden hose.” [laughter] “Bought an antique nightstand at an estate sale,” meet “Uses a giant wooden spool he stole from the phone company as a coffee table.” [laughter] [applause]

Sorry, there I go again, kidding when I should be healing. [laughter] Hey, say what you will about the Republicans, they do stand for something: Armageddon, but it’s something. [laughter] [applause] Democrats, on the other hand, have been coasting for years on Tom Daschle’s charisma. [laughter] But that’s not enough anymore. Democrats will never win another election if they keep trying to siphon off votes from the Republicans. They will only win by creating a lot more Democrats. And you don’t do that by trying to leach onto issues that you should be denouncing. [applause] [cheers]

You wind up – you wind up in a goose-hunting outfit a week before the election—[laughter]—trying to appeal to guys who would sooner vote for the goose. [laughter] Guys who even in down-to-earth, economically-ailing Ohio, thought blowjobs more important than job-jobs. [laughter] [applause]

Hey, these folks aren’t “undecideds.” They’re not in play. No, what the Democrats need are fresh, new ideas that are dumb and hateful enough to win these people over. [applause]

You know, stuff like, “No drinking on Christmas.” [laughter] Or how about a Constitutional Amendment protecting the song, “God Bless America”? [laughter] I say, let’s put a fetus on the dollar bill! [laughter] With Reagan! [applause]

And you know what country has been asking for an ass-kicking in the worst way? Finland. [laughter] Yes, Democrats need a really, really stupid, meaningless and utterly symbolic issue. And by issue, of course, I mean, thing to hate.

How about this? An amendment that says people with gerbils are threatening the sanctity of pet ownership—[laughter]—and that from now on, pet owning will be defined only as the relationship between a person and his cat or dog. [laughter] [applause]

Now, my opponent may disagree. That’s because he’s a fag. [laughter] [applause]

So, Democrats – Democrats and liberals, stop saying you’re going to move because Bush won. Real liberals should be pledging to stay because Bush won. [applause] [cheers] Trust me, you can’t get away from Bush by moving to France. Because that’s where we’re invading next. [laughter]

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